oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
