I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
