she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
