he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
