I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
