hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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