Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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