you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck me I smell like cheese
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
