I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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