i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
