i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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