Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
