On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize