oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
