I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize