I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
