just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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