and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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