My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
