you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I die, sorry about rent.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
