hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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