1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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