Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
