I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
