Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
