My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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