tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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