Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
