Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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