He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
