So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
