my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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