I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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