new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
