I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
