someone get that fucking seahorse.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
