I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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