its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
