Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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