I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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