I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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