guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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