so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
