then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
