She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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