We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize