I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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