god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
