she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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