So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
