last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
