I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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