every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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