nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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