Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
