Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
