he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
