If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
