my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
