I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
