Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
