I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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