Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize