Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
