Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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