I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
