Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
