Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
