Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
