Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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