my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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