Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
