it glows. i had to have it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
