thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
