Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
