watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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