You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
